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Behold The Destructive Force Of An F5 Poop Tornado Behold The Destructive Force Of An F5 Poop Tornado

Last Thursday, a “sewer blockage” in the town of Melrose, Massachusetts, had city workers scrambling to restore flow across the town’s entire system. The blockage was eventually cleared, but not before it created what one affected resident described as a “tornado of poop” in her bathroom, after raw sewage exploded…

Old Man Wayne Rooney Scores A Goal From A Million Billion Miles Away Old Man Wayne Rooney Scores A Goal From A Million Billion Miles Away

Wayne Rooney has done some cool stuff with D.C. United, in Major League Soccer. He did a lovely free kick goal. He virtually single-handedly dragged the United to the MLS playoffs. An insane two-way highlight from last August was rightly hailed as maybe the best MLS highlight ever. I hereby submit that the goal…

Moron President Gives Defense Department Four Months To Craft Service Academy Athletics Policy He Himself Axed Moron President Gives Defense Department Four Months To Craft Service Academy Athletics Policy He Himself Axed

Having previously bragged about his intention to look into such a thing, our sleazy doofus of a president has taken the first formal step toward instituting a policy that would allow service academy athletes to defer their military service obligations in order to pursue careers in professional sports. This was an…

Hey, Remember Giancarlo Stanton? Well, He's Gone Again Hey, Remember Giancarlo Stanton? Well, He's Gone Again

Just when the Yankees were starting to enjoy the return of slugger Giancarlo Stanton, just when he’d started to look like the middle-of-the-lineup force of old, just when the sight of him looming over the plate like a comic book monster started to lose its weird nostalgic charm, the universe has stepped in and yanked…

Reds Allow Runner To Score From Second Base On Sac Fly Like Big Sleepy Idiots

It was an extremely unimpressive night for the Cincinnati Reds, who suffered a 5–1 loss against the Angels in Anaheim. They gave up their first run of the night on a leadoff inside-the-park dinger to Tommy La Stella, and they gave up the final run of the night when Wilfredo Tovar scored from second base on a Shohei…

Tommy La Stella's Blessed Season Continues With Leadoff Inside-The-Park Dinger Tommy La Stella's Blessed Season Continues With Leadoff Inside-The-Park Dinger

It is now late June, which means if you can’t at least feign excitement about a leadoff inside-the-park home run in an interleague baseball game, you are staring down a summer of relatively slim pickings, VAR-marred World Cup soccer notwithstanding. Please, before you reduce yourself to hunting for Bears OTA updates,…

Report: Oh God Yes, The Toxic Rockets Are Pursuing Jimmy Butler Report: Oh God Yes, The Toxic Rockets Are Pursuing Jimmy Butler

If there’s one thing a top-heavy Western Conference contender built on the ball-dominant shot-creation of two ornery superstars locked in an “unsalvageable” personality conflict needs, it is an infusion of noted mature adult in the room and agreeable teammate Jimmy Butler. Thankfully, that is exactly what the Rockets…

Public Service Announcement: Please Stop Interrupting Dodgers Games To Hug Cody Bellinger Public Service Announcement: Please Stop Interrupting Dodgers Games To Hug Cody Bellinger

In the bottom of the eighth inning Monday night in Arizona, a young woman ran from the stands and into right field, where she appeared to awkwardly hug Dodgers superstar Cody Bellinger. Needless to say, this ended with the young woman being arrested.

Giannis Antetokounmpo Is Your 2018–19 NBA Most Valuable Player Giannis Antetokounmpo Is Your 2018–19 NBA Most Valuable Player

Monday night Milwaukee Bucks destroyer of worlds Giannis Antetokounmpo became the first European import to win the NBA Most Valuable Player award since Dirk Nowitzki in 2007, and the first NBA player ever to win MVP after having won the NBA’s Most Improved Player, which Giannis won after the 2016–17 season. Giannis’s…

Kansas City Radio Chud Drags Andy Reid's Dead Son Into Criticism Of Reid's Coaching Ability [Updates] Kansas City Radio Chud Drags Andy Reid's Dead Son Into Criticism Of Reid's Coaching Ability [Updates]

A lowlife Kansas City radio host invoked the 2012 death of Andy Reid’s son Garrett as part of an overarching criticism of Reid’s approach to personal accountability, in yet another sign that sports radio should be made illegal immediately.

Luka Dončić, True To Form, Dominates Rookie Of The Year Voting Luka Dončić, True To Form, Dominates Rookie Of The Year Voting

Dallas Mavericks sensation Luka Dončić won Rookie of the Year honors Monday night at the annual NBA Awards, inexplicably broadcast live on TNT, which presumably ran out of rerun episodes of Bones with which to fill their primetime schedule.

Former Kings Executive Sentenced To Seven Years In Prison For Repurposing $13.4 Million Of Sponsorship Loot Former Kings Executive Sentenced To Seven Years In Prison For Repurposing $13.4 Million Of Sponsorship Loot

Former Sacramento Kings and Miami Heat chief revenue officer Jeffrey David was sentenced to seven years in prison Monday for embezzling $13.4 million from two Kings sponsors in an arena naming rights scheme he executed in 2015. David pleaded guilty to wire fraud and aggravated identity theft charges back in December.

Knicks Fined By NBA For Being Diaper Babies Toward New York Daily News Knicks Fined By NBA For Being Diaper Babies Toward New York Daily News

On the same day that another New York professional sports team was punished by its league for a manager and pitcher picking a fight with a reporter over a benign salutation, the New York Knickerbockers incredibly managed to retain their crown as the pettiest and least professional team in the Big Apple. It took some…

Is This Kyrie Irving Scolding Celtics Fans Under An Alias On Boston Talk Radio? Is This Kyrie Irving Scolding Celtics Fans Under An Alias On Boston Talk Radio?

Thursday morning a man going by the name of Mikey in Waltham called in to the Zolak & Bertrand radio show on 98.5 The Sports Hub in Boston to participate in a wide-ranging conversation about the state of the Boston Celtics. It’s been a rough time for Celtics fans—their team disappointed last season, then failed to…

The Suns Were Up To Some Suns-Type Foolishness On Draft Night The Suns Were Up To Some Suns-Type Foolishness On Draft Night

With the caveat that no one knows anything about how this will turn out in the long term, it’s fair to say that the Phoenix Suns had a strange 2019 NBA Draft. They dropped in the rejiggered draft lottery to land with the sixth pick, then dropped another five spots Thursday night via a genuinely head-scratching trade…

The Phillies' Leadoff Problem Is Compounding Their Even Larger Bryce Harper Problem The Phillies' Leadoff Problem Is Compounding Their Even Larger Bryce Harper Problem

The Washington Nationals finished off a weather-shortened three-game series sweep of the Philadelphia Phillies Thursday night. The Phillies are in a bit of a swoon, having lost eight of their last 13 games. That stretch isn’t so arbitrary as it might seem—Andrew McCutchen succumbed to a season-ending knee injury 14…

Bol Bol Heads To Denver Nuggets After Agonizing Draft Night Slide Bol Bol Heads To Denver Nuggets After Agonizing Draft Night Slide

Extremely fun one-and-done Oregon prospect Bol Bol showed up to Thursday night’s NBA draft decked out in a black suit featuring a garish sequined spider web on the left shoulder, smiling and optimistic and looking forward to being drafted somewhere in the lottery. His night ended with him gloomily trudging to the…

Celtics Draft Outspoken Round-Earther, Move One Step Closer To Post-Kyrie Irving Future Celtics Draft Outspoken Round-Earther, Move One Step Closer To Post-Kyrie Irving Future

The Boston Celtics used the 22nd pick in the first round of Thursday night’s NBA draft to select first-team All-American Grant Williams from Tennessee. Williams is a skilled, undersized forward and the son of a NASA safety engineer. I mention his parentage because being privy to mom’s insider knowledge of space and…

RJ Barrett Self-Diagnoses Terminal Kobe Brain After Being Drafted By Knicks RJ Barrett Self-Diagnoses Terminal Kobe Brain After Being Drafted By Knicks

The Knicks got their man with the third* pick in the 2019 NBA Draft, selecting Duke one-and-done prospect R.J. Barrett. Knicks fans in the crowd went nuts as soon as the pick was announced, signaling their approval in no uncertain terms. Barrett, a Canadian, is a slick wing with diverse skills and a tantalizing bag…

All Your Assets Are Belong To The Pelicans All Your Assets Are Belong To The Pelicans

The trade that sent Anthony Davis from the New Orleans Pelicans to the Los Angeles Lakers was a good one. The Lakers got a superstar to pair with LeBron James, and the Pelicans got a hefty package of young players and draft picks to put toward rebuilding their roster. One of the top assets to change hands in the deal…

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