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A List of Things the Tenaha, Texas Police Department Can Do With the $70 They 'Seized' In a 'Drug Bust' Last Week A List of Things the Tenaha, Texas Police Department Can Do With the $70 They 'Seized' In a 'Drug Bust' Last Week

1. Buy five whole orders of the surprisingly filling Vietnamese Shrimp Summer Rolls at The Cheesecake Factory.

Y’all’s Triflin’-Ass President Can’t Even Sit Up Straight During a Funeral Y’all’s Triflin’-Ass President Can’t Even Sit Up Straight During a Funeral

Look at this shiftless and triflin’ fuck. Sitting in the front row of a funeral, with the world’s attention on him—hundreds of millions of eyes, perhaps—and he looks like a 6th grader whose parents dragged him to Les Miserables on ice. He’s the leader of the free world (shit), and he couldn’t even bother to sit up…

Quiz: How Hotep Were You In College? Quiz: How Hotep Were You In College?

Although the people who’ve come to be known as hoteps get a bad rap today, I have a measure of sympathy for them because I went through a moderate hotep phase in college — something I know many 35-to-45 year old black people can definitely relate to. Basically, being a hotep is like smoking weed. Most have tried it at…

The Privilege of Being Remembered Like a Dead White Man The Privilege of Being Remembered Like a Dead White Man

Did you know that houses owned by black Americans are undervalued by an average of $48,000 per home? Combined, this makes for 156 billion dollars in losses—a discrepancy called a “segregation tax.” I didn’t know this either, until a recent study by the Brookings Institute articulated exactly how pervasive this brand…

My Little Girl Turns Three Today. Here’s a Story About My Dad, Her ‘Peepaw’ My Little Girl Turns Three Today. Here’s a Story About My Dad, Her ‘Peepaw’

In the summer of 1990, each day the weather and his schedule permitted, my dad and I would leave our rowhouse on Mellon Street and walk four blocks up Hays Street to the basketball courts lurking behind what was then Peabody High School. Once there, we’d park at one of the “good” hoops — either the hoop closest to the…

10 Awkward AF Things That Soliciting Blurbs for Your Book Also Feels Like 10 Awkward AF Things That Soliciting Blurbs for Your Book Also Feels Like

The writing of blurbs—the succinct quotes of praise from an author’s peers that exist on a book’s front and back covers—has become a “nuclear arms race” that can drain blurb writers of their most valuable asset (time), writes Marie Myung-Ok Lee yesterday in an extensive feature on this quirk of the publishing industry…

I Think I'm Done Pretending to Enjoy Cold Weather I Think I'm Done Pretending to Enjoy Cold Weather

“Oh,” I’d say, occasionally and irritatingly, to the people who’d lament the approaching cold, “but what about the sweaters?”

In Your Lifetime, How Many Different People Have Cut and/or Done Your Hair? In Your Lifetime, How Many Different People Have Cut and/or Done Your Hair?

It started with a pre-Thanksgiving conversation about how sensitive we (black men) are with our hair, a discussion sparked by a homie’s lament that he needs to find a new barber because his current one is moving out of state soon. And then one of us claimed, “In my lifetime, I’ve probably had more girlfriends than…

Racist White Woman Sues Bank of New York Mellon; Claims She Was Fired Because She's a...Racist White Woman Racist White Woman Sues Bank of New York Mellon; Claims She Was Fired Because She's a...Racist White Woman

Perhaps there should be a section at Giant Eagle or Whole Foods (or any other supermarket with a bakery) that’s solely devoted to racist pastries. Racist donuts, racist cookies, racist pies, racist cannoli—a one-stop shop for all of your bigoted baked goods. You could even have racist bakers who specialize in flakey…

Video: Kool-Aid, Lotion, Washcloths, Rihanna, and More Things We're Thankful For

While in town for The Root 100 several days ago, Panama and I were compelled to shoot a video articulating the many things we have to be thankful for. That it also happens to be Thanksgiving soon has absolutely no relevance whatsoever. We’re just two naturally thankful ass niggas.

Like Many Black Women, Kim Porter Was Under a Doctor's Care and Still Died. That's Terrifying Like Many Black Women, Kim Porter Was Under a Doctor's Care and Still Died. That's Terrifying

To prepare for the expected birth of our second child next month, my wife and I are enrolled in one of those new age birthing classes where the bulk of each two-hour-long session is devoted to language and connotation. (“Don’t say birthing canal. Say birthing stream, because streams are calming.”) I am bored out of my…

Dear White People: Please Get the Fuck Out of Michelle Obama’s Pockets Dear White People: Please Get the Fuck Out of Michelle Obama’s Pockets

There is, I believe, a conversation that could be had about an unease we (black people) might have with the Obamas’ post-White House relationship with money. And not just with money as a tangible object, but in surrounding themselves with it and being ensconced in markers and signifiers of it. The word “Obama” has…

What Happens When You Visit The Root’s Office With Exposed (and Moderately Ashy) Ankles What Happens When You Visit The Root’s Office With Exposed (and Moderately Ashy) Ankles

I flew to New York City last Thursday for The Root 100 gala and left yesterday evening after a marketing meeting at Harper Collins for my book. In the time between, I 1) hosted a happy hour with Panama at my hotel, 2) went to karaoke after said happy hour and sang very on-brand renditions of Radiohead’s “Creep” and…

Galleys, Explained Galleys, Explained

What happened?

Our Parents Might Not Have Known Better About Spanking. We Do Our Parents Might Not Have Known Better About Spanking. We Do

In two weeks, my daughter will be 3 years old. And then, two weeks after her birthday, if things happen when we’re expecting them to, she’ll be a big sister.

We’re Stuck With White People We’re Stuck With White People

In the weeks before the midterm elections, America was rocked by three separate acts of domestic terrorism. One, which took place in my hometown, was the deadliest act of anti-semitism in American history. Another was the biggest mass assassination attempt in American history. And then there was the killing of two…

Petty Reasons to Vote, Ranked Petty Reasons to Vote, Ranked

10. To direct passive-aggressive subs at significant others.

I Just Found the Most Racist Photo (and Caption) on iStock. Here's My 10 Favorite Things About It I Just Found the Most Racist Photo (and Caption) on iStock. Here's My 10 Favorite Things About It

Yesterday afternoon, while searching “black man calls police” and “calling police black person” on iStock—to find a suitable picture for “My Self-Care Sunday Story: I Called The Cops On A White Guy”—I found the above pic. There are tens of thousands of images on iStock, and I won’t pretend to have seen them all. But I…

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